Yesterday I watched Brene Brown’s talk on YouTube entitled, “You Have to Make a Choice.” The following is a summary of her talk with Oprah Winfrey.
Brene talked a lot about shame and vulnerability. Brene writes and talks about being vulnerable even though there will be critics who find fault with what you are saying and doing. She adores Theodore Roosevelt’s famous “Man in the Arena” speech which goes like this:
”It’s not the critic who counts. It’s not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or the doer of deeds could have done it better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with blood and sweat and dust, who at the best, in the end, knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, he fails daring greatly.”
Brene shares her 10 choices that are important to her.
- It’s about showing up and being seen. When you go into the arena, you will get your ass kicked. If you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.
- Cultivate authenticity. If you’re not authentic you will have a lot of pain and disappointment. You have to be authentic to show up.
- Set clear boundaries for yourself and others. Boundaries are about what’s okay and what’s not okay around you. BIG – B-Boundaries, I-Integrity, G-Generosity.
- Actively practice gratitude. Gratitude invites joy into our life. Make gratitude a daily routine.
- Embrace vulnerability. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, empathy. If you cannot be vulnerable you cannot be empathic. You cannot fake empathy. Vulnerability is the birthplace of change and creativity.
- Let go of Perfectionism. Perfectionism is the ultimate fear that the world will see you as you really are.
- Explore your Emotions. Shame drives two tapes, confidence and emotions. Thought and behaviour are in the trunk of the car. You need to say, “What is really going on here?” Get curious about your emotions! Reckon with the emotion. Shame is far more likely to cause disruptive behaviour than to cure it. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression and bullying. It’s not helpful to be ashamed because shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change.
- Men and women with high resilience to shame share four things. A) They recognize their own physicality when they’re in shame and they know what triggered it. B) They practice critical awareness of their own messages to self. C) They reach out, talk about it to someone they trust and know that film of terror that they are experiencing when shame visits them.
- Risk Failure. There is no creativity without failure. The people who have the most courage take risks.
- Don’t have any Regrets. We are the biggest critic in the arena. We are terribly self-critical! We have an ideal who we think should show up. Yes, it’s scary to show up but not nearly as scary as having regrets at the end.